hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.
I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
