Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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