I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
How was the picnic?
We played softball, except our team sucked. In one hand was a mitt, the other a beer.
Why didn't you put them down?
No beer left behind.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
