Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I think this shark week should consist of getting drunk enough to actually go hunt sharks ourselves.
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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