after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize
