when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
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