If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
I am incapable of maintaining a guy's interest in me. It's like erectile dysfunction but with feelings
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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