I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
All I know is if i get a free preview weekend of HBO then I am recording Kindergarten Cop.
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
