Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
so I ate shit in the bar and took a barstool down with me and this guy helped me up and I just started making out with him. I need to stop meeting men like that
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
Dude she literally licked him. He was covered in cheese and in her high state what else was she gonna do?
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
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