i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!
Look at your life. Look at your choices.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Randomize
