Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Is that strawberry winking at me??
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