I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
I looked at my own cervix.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
I'm going to fuck every single member of the men's olympic swimming team and no one is going to stop me
Your grammar in that last text message was so awful.. My vagina wants to go crawl in a hole, and never speak to you again.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
Randomize
