I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I refused to call him anything but Drake eyebrows all night.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
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