my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Did we literally take a cab across the street
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize
