Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Randomize
