Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
A piece of your chipped nail polish just fell out of my crotch.
Randomize
