i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
My soul is telling me that I need to take this exam naked.
I was just going for a one night stand and now I'm at breakfast with his entire family.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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