is your mom at the bar?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
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