the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
I like that you use a Disney movie to describe the starting of our BDSM relationship, lmao
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Randomize
