Are we in a gay sports bar?
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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