He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
