yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I had to cum in my sink.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
