I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
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