I dont get chicks, its like they only care about themselves and money
sounds like you understand them just fine
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
To put it in a frame of reference with which you're familiar, it was like making out with a golden retriever.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
It started out as friends with benefits and now I'm picking up her kids from daycare...what has happened to me
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize