I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
wait he has a twin??? which one did you fuck
yes
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
