Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
I woke up in a bunk bed beside two Brazilians dude you have no idea how happy I was
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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