Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Randomize
