Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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