I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
So here I am, sexting at work.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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