so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
you never un-have a 4some
So I'm at home coloring while smoking a joint. It can only go down hill from here.
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize
