I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
