Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
