I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just to be clear, the only reason you're allowed to scream "COCKTAIL SERVANT" at bartenders is because you have nice tits
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Can we climb Your roof?
No bitch its 2am go home.
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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