so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
Randomize
