life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
