He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
im glad to be known as "the girl you had sex with on a golf course"
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
