sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
Dude. Creed is coming in september.
We're no longer friends.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
