Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
after last night, i judge her for not breaking up with me
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
