Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
i just keep taking vicodin and supergluing random shit
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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