just realized i've hooked up with 3/4 of the guys here COOL
Moan for me like Helen Keller
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
I'm worried about how taking care of my mom's dog while being on acid will go.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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