Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Also, beer. Big fan.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I am one with the molecules
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize
