Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
you wouldnt answer to anything but devil's advocate all night.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
We played Rock Paper Scissors to see who would have to go down on the other person.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
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