I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Yes, I am about to pass out on my beanbag with a mason jar of wine. Welcome to the south freshmen.
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
Turns out that Irishman put my panties under his pillow afterward. Thanks?
thats all i want out of life, to get high and watch weiner dog races
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
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