i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
Randomize