i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
Randomize
