Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
How bad is it that I'm banned from all of your family functions due to sleeping w/ both your brother and sister and they both hate me for pursing a relationship with either of them.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
Took "drink until he's cute" to a whole new level last night...
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
If I get really high and watch Beauty and The Beast on our Netflx account, will you judge me?
Only if you start before I get home!
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