I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
Helping a hot freshman girl move in = 2 hours of my life One bottle of cheap vodkas = $10 Watching her do the walk a shame on her first morning away from home = Priceless
Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
I had sex with him, and then he gave me a $5 Starbucks gift card. Totally worth it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
