Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
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