My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
They are taking turns pissing on the fire. This is my life.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
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