Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
