guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
