The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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