being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
Sometimes crazy just comes naturally. I don't need booze to say that on occasion I feel the need to rip off my asshole and throw it against the fridge to see if it sticks.
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
