It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I definitely think you should enjoy one last spring break being a sorostitute before you get serious and settle down with price charming. I mean hes not going to be there any way. he can wait a week.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
