If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Hey kate, how is it?
sloppy...it's emily. kate just tried to do a keg stand. they dropped her. we're leaving.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
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