He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I see more hoeing in ur future
Randomize
