well you can't waste a boner
Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I think I found my saving grace in the form of a beard at the bar.
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
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