So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
If last night was a preview of 2015, I quit.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
She yelled out "MCDREAMY" mid orgasm
Randomize
