neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Someone posted a printout of my tits on my door this morning! Where did they get this photo!?!
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
There's no way you didn't at least start out with a dick. I obviously know there isn't one now, but there is no way that you were born a girl
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize