so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
