I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
yyyea i think im gonna go get a bowl and play skyrim. And by bowl i mean something i can throw up in, not weed
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
